i’m tired

I’m starting to feel like I’ve made the wrong decision. Right now I feel..used, hurt, upset, and pathetic. I go back to him everytime he sweet talks me..and everytime he tells me how much he loves me, treats me good for a day or 2 I start to feel love, I start to feel like maybe for once he’s changed. But after a day or 2..he starts to act different. He acts so cold and careless towards me. He makes me sad, cry, and want to give up on everything. I love him so much but everytime he makes me want to let everything go and move on but yet when I decide to move on he pulls me back and it starts all over again. It’s always just a circle with him. We fight, we break up, we miss each other, he sweet talks me, we get back, I think he’s changed, he changes for a few days, treats me disrespectfully, break promises, I hit rock bottom everytime, I let go, I decide to move on, we break up, we miss each other, and he sweet talks me again and we get back again. I can’t say that I’m tired of this relationship because I’m really not. I love being with him more than anything  but sometimes I wish he would just really change and for once treat me with love and respect and not for only 2 or 3 days. He broke 2 promises with me today. Promises are an important thing to me. He hung up on me, twice when he promised he would stop doing so. He gave me these coupons on valentines day and one of them was that I could talk to him on the phone anywhere, anytime, no matter what. I used it agaisnt him, I didn’t want to,it hurt me to use it because when I used it..I thought about how stupid I am for having to use a stupid coupon to get him to talk to me..when he should want to talk to me since I didn’t talk to him all day..and didn’t see him all day. Doesn’t he miss me? or he just doesn’t care? He told me..if we can’t talk today well talk 2morro? what’s the big deal? I don’t understand how he can say things like that. Anyway..despite how stupid it is, I still used the coupon because I desperately wanted to talk to him..but he kept saying..I have to go bye..and eventually hung up. Where on the coupon did it say….you can talk to me on the phone anywhere, anytime, no matter what ex ept for when i’m with my friends? or is it hidden that I didn’t see? He makes me upset when everytime I want to talk..he’s always too busy for me. It’s always he treats me good until he’s with his friends. It’s like..he always wants to act like he’s in control of me. I don’t like to say this but it seems like everytime he’s around his friends he treats me rudely and mean because it happens everytime and whenevr he’s done with his friends and I’m upset he would talk to me sweet talk me tells me he loves me..and we are okay again…until he’s with his friends again. Every single time he chooses his friends over me…now I see how important I am to him and how important they are to him for him to break 2 promises that he made for me..I’m really hurt that he keeps doing this to me..and I don’t know what to do. I want to let go and move on..because I know I will keep getting hurt because our relationship will never change, it will always be like this. But if I move on..it will be tough and for now I feel like it’s impossible for me to move on and let go because I love him too much. I want to be with him but he makes it so hard for us. While writing this, I hesitate to say many things..like how much I love him and need him in my life because…I know he doesn’t appreciate those things..he doesn’t think of it as..my girlfriend loves me and she deserves my attention and loyalty and he doesn’t think that maybe he should love me back some more..but I feel as though he takes advantage of that and he treats me even worse when he knows that I need him in my life because he can treat me as bad as he could and I’ still stick around and be here for him. He always complains..when I don’t show him I love him or show him I care..but everytime I want to I’m afraid to show him because I’m afraid once I do he’s gonna stop caring about me and I will get hurt. It’s not healthy..it’s really not. All I waited to talk to him, doing business? 13 hours straight..2pm..4 am …Constantly telling me he’s going to be home soon but when I call he’s always doing other things and not going home yet or he doesn’t pick up the phone call at all. He’s never done this to me before. I don’t feel the love, I don’t feel the care, I don’t feel shit. I’m starting to get really fed up and sick of being treated like shit.  I don’t know what to do, I think I will let go and move on.

Love Thao. <3

Live your life

Right now I have a lot of mixed emotions. I feel bitter, disappointed, confused, frustrated, lost but also happy. I’m upset for everything that happened because it’s not something I was hoping for but also happy it did. I’m happy because it made me realize many things that I haven’t realized before. I tried so hard to push him out of my life when I know he’s the only thing I want in my life. I tried ignoring him. I tried not talking to him. I tried moving on. Nothing worked because it’s not what I want because if I wanted to move on, I would move on. When you really want to do something, nothin can hold you back unless you really don’t want to do it deep inside. Anyone can say whatever they want but whether or not they mean it…we don’t know that, only they do. But you can tell and start to guess what they are really feeling inside by the way they act and react to things. For example if I say…..” i dont want to talk to you, stop calling me,” I hang up…and the person calls back and I pick up it just means I do want to talk to them because why would I pick up if I really don’t want to talk? I can easily just ignore the phone call or even turn off my phone.

Actually, I don’t rreally know where I’m going with this blog and I don’t even know what the point of this is..but I’m just writing whatever comes up in my mind=). Okay so what I learned from what happened was that…once you love someone it’s impossible to let go. I used to tell myself..never ever give in to someone who cheated on you because once a cheater always a cheater, once a liar always a liar. But…I decided to give him a second chance because he deserves it. He deserves another chance because he’s not the only one that fucked up. I didn’t decide to take him back because I feel like I had to, I took him back because I realized I love him, I really do and after everything..to be honest if I found out he really did sleep with another girl, I will still love him and take him back because he is everything to me and there is no way I’m moving on with my life without him in it. You know what it is? It’s one of those things where…you know you can move on but deep deep inside you know you don’t want to.

“they are the rule but we’re an exception”

love, thao

11:50 pm

*So it’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be really hard, we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, everyday, forever. You and Me..everyday.* – The Notebook

<3

 

Right now I need ALCOHOL=)

=)

=)

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don’t know everything,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge
because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you’re tired and weary,
because it means you’ve made a difference.

So today I found out something very shocking. It’s not something I wanted to hear or even want it to be true but it is. It made me very upset…I thought I was ready for it but I thought wrong. I also thought after hearing it, I will get mad, fed up, and move on easily but no, it made it harder. It’s so hard to move on now because all I keep thinking about is why it happened to me? People say karma’s a bitch..but how can karma be a bitch to me when this all happened before I even did anything wrong? Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I’ve never done shit wrong but…who doesn’t make mistakes.

Anyway, after finding out, I went to catch the bus to go home and it was very cold outside and windy -.-’ ruined my hair! My make up was also ruined because I was crying=( so embarassing because the people at the bus stop kept staring at me! I waited about 15 minutes for the bus -.-’ and when it finally came i was so happy to finally go home and warm up! I got on the bus sat there listening to music on my sexy pinkass ipod, and got off at my stop and walked home. When I got to my door, I tried opening it but it was locked! All that was going through my mind was ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ LOLS i always forget to bring my keys-.- fuck I’m so stupid! I kept ringing the doorbell hopin someone would be home to open the door but nothing =(. SO i thought I would just wait outside until someone gets home to opent the door for me…but it got so windy and I was freezingggggg! brrrrrrrrrrrr…i hate winter! if it was summer i wouldve jus waited -.-’ or jus walked around to take my mind off of things but it was too cold! I walked to the pay phone near my house to make a phone call and went to my friend’s house.

I’m glad she lived near me =/ because I was frozen when I got there -.-’ once again I HATE WINTER! I wish summer would just come like now..anywhoooooooo, I got there, people were calling my friend’s phone to check up on me asking me if I’m okai about eveythin and about the things I found out and why did I get locked out.. but isn’t it obvious? IIM LOCKED OUT CUZ I DIDNT BRING MY KEYS! anyway…I was jsut talking on msn when i was at my friend’s house and cried too much…oh shit I just remembered I forgot to throw the tissue papers i left on her computer table =/ oops sorry TINA!!!<3 LOLs forgive me for making you clean up my shit! Well I am now home because my mom picked me up=) It’s nice to be back home! loves it=)<3Even though I’m very upset about what happened and constantly crying I’m glad it happened, it taught me a great lesson, and gave me a very good reason to change into a new better person=) and also I feel as though I just got so much stronger=)

Thanks everyone<3

JB CHARLIEEE BABYYY

Alright, so I am officially OBSESSED with my girl, Jeanne Nguyen’s dog -.-’. His name is JB Charlie and for now he is the sexiest creature ALIVE until I get my own puppy that is because we all know no puppy beats Thao’s puppy=)

So, I went to Jeanne’s house over the weekend just to see JB not to see Jeanne because I don’t care about her =). Jokes! I love Jeanne but not as much as I love JB. Anyway, he’s so adorable, even though when I saw him I was like …”wtf? i thought he was smaller than this?” because of all the pictures Jeanne has of him (10029 pics), anyway so I found out he grew? which is right i guess…but I wanted to see the small puppy!!!:( i was a little disappointed but then when i played with him, I like fell in love=) He’s the cutest fucking thing ever!!! OH and he made noises! LMAO he also sneezed and yawned! I was very amazed=O for some reason i don’t know…so i decided to camwhore with him because…..a dog that sexy looks good with me=). Love you Jeanne

My favourite song

Reason

I have many regrets, many regrets about what I’ve done in the past.  But do I ever regret loving him? The answer is no. Everyone makes mistakes, and I’ve made many, many mistakes. I’ve done things to hurt him, I’ve done things to make him cry and that I regret it truly. Sometimes I wish I can go back in time and change it all. I wish it never happened but life doesn’t work like that. There is no time machine to take you back in time to prevent the things you don’t want to happen. The only thing you can do after making all those mistakes is to learn from it, change and move on. It’s not easy, it’s never easy to change. Many people try to change but half way they fail, give up, and eventually go back to doing the things they once thought was wrong. Does this mean they’ll never change? No, because changing needs a reason, changing needs encouragement, and changing doesn’t happen over night, it takes time. In order to change the first step is to find your reason, everyone needs a reason to change, whether if it’s for yourself, your friends, your family, or even for your boyfriend/girlfriend. That’s the problem, we all want to change and most of the time we have a reason to change, but when that reason is gone, what’s left for us to try? In order to successful change you have to have all of those 3 things: reason, encouragement, and time. When you have a reason, you  need encouragement. You need someone to realize the changes in you and able to say ” you’ve changed” even if it’s a little change or a big change. Either way, encouragement to your changes goes a long way. Lastly you also need to give yourself time. Don’t force it…if you think you set up your mind to change that it’s going to happen the next day, you’re so wrong. No one can change over night. We want to change because it’s a bad habit we have and all of us know habits are hard to control. This is why I’ve failed to change so many times. Just like everyone else, in the beginning I was very excited to think of changing, becoming a new and better person. I search everywhere to find myself reasons, many reasons for me to change and I found lots but in the end it all comes down to one reason, which was my ex boyfriend. I relied on this one reason to help me change but everytime i set up my mind to change, I fail half-way because my reason never encouraged me and constantly put me down. He never gave me encouragements and he never gave me time because the truth is he never believed that I could do it. He never had faith me in so I never had faith in myself. People think you have to change and do everythin for yourself and you do but the truth is, you need others aroud you because we all need comfort and encouragements. Maybe that’s why God made a lot of people in this world so that we don’t have to be alone. I love him, I really do. But right now I have to find myself a different reason to change, a reason that will actually work this time. I need to go on a journey to figure out what my real reason is. A reason that won’t fail me half-way, a reason that won’t give up on me half way, and a reason that will encourage me and be patient with me.

*In the time it will take for me to change. In that time you will probably go insane. But that time you won’t want to hear my name.*